Casting my mide back to the days of yore (just before the Jacobean era I believe, it was all green fields and rolling hills at the very least) I remember fondly going shopping as a youth to some ghastly supermarché or other (before Carrefore seemed to disappear from British shores). During such shopping sprees items would be purchased, amongst which would be washing powder, that would come in bloody huge weighty boxes. Boxes which I quickly learnt from scanning the active compounds contained about 10% cationic and non-ionic surfactants, that’s soap to you and me, the rest consisted of this and that, whiteners, water balancers and so on but a whopping 50% ish was pure filler. Nothing a all to do with washing, just their to make the box look big and the value better. What a scam, I was lugging bazillions of kilo’s of nothing about, and paying (well a parent was paying, but that’s my inheritance they were squandering) for the displeasure of back ache. I felt bitter, cheated and enraged.
Fly forward some time (I believe the spinning jenny and the stove pipe hat came and went in this intervening period) and I’m lying in bed being roused from my slumber by the radio blaring into my ear, upon which there are adverts (down with the BBC and their ad-brakeless information!). What do I hear, WHAT? I hear that Persil small and mighty now comes in a SUPER concentrated form, which is good as you can do more washes for the same amount of goo AND AND AND there is less packaging so it’s kinder to the environment!!!! YAY, WE ALL WIN.
Only we don’t as we’ve all been duped, like fools. For, no doubt, if I were to once again scan the list of active components in this “new” wonder product I would find something indicating that all that’s changed is a reduction in the nothing that’s adding to the bloody product. If they cared so much about the fucking environment why have they spent the last 400 years making massive packets for no reason at all. I’ll tell you why, it’s cause they hate the environment and they hate us, the customers, why else would they treat us like simpering imbeciles, one day dazzling us with BIGGER BETTER MORE the next with SMALLER SUPERER MORE for the same damn product.
God I hate the myself and the nation for pandering to these bloody ad campaigns, I’m so annoyed I’m off for a double skinny mocha chocha latte at Starbucks on my Vespa, now where did I put those Gucci shoes I wanted to wear, I need to look cool… GAAAA
Right so buses are quite useful, however you do have to pay to use them, getting on one, swiping your oyster card and reviving a FAIL notice would suggest that you have not paid and thus don’t deserve travel. Standing there arguing with the beleaguered driver won’t change this fact, claiming that you have £10 on your card holds little water in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. The fact that your retarded friends have paid and gone up the stairs whilst shouting after you to hurry up won’t change the fact that you have failed to gain admission to this wonderful transport mechanism.
Realising that this bus is not even going to your destination is not further reason to argue with the driver, he’s not going to change it’s route for you. It’s reason to get off and leave the rest of us in peace. However, once realising the futility of your debate, whilst getting off, it’s not acceptable for one of your moronic friend to demand his “two bucks” back because he was too stupid to check the destination before paying.
What was especially enraging was I was desperately hoping that said friend would argue, to claim back his puny sum of money, further, so I could remove the 5 aussie clams that I happen to have in my wallet, throw it in his face and say “here, champ, have five bucks, now fuck off and let the rest of us go home”.
There was one saving grace that prevented a full bout of apoplexy setting in however. For I was sat safe and warm in the knowledge that not only did your compadres waste £2 on a bus that you were not going to use, but no bus from this stop goes to where you are going. Comforted by the thought that you might drunkenly wait there all night for a bus that won’t turn up, a full rage is prevented.
Locks, as we know have been around for at least 6000 odd years, that’s 6000 years in which knowledge of their usefulness and operation could filter down in to the mental consciousness of all but the simplest morons. Knowing this fact its quite a surprise that my upstairs neighbour seems totally unable to use the fucking things. Every single day I used to come home to find the front (1) door wide open to the world, I would proceed to front (2) door to find, yes you guessed it WIDE BLOODY OPEN. Now I confess that both had odd locks, one was a pain to shut and one you had to get out your key and explicitly lock it (no Yale lock here, oh no).
Fast forward some months and the landlords had obviously noted that someone living in the block was a dim-witted goon and so they attached self closing door spring things, mended front (1) door so it shut easily and added an extra lock self closing lock on the front (2) door. Did this help? Did it my posterior, She still manages to conspire to leave the door open, she must actually be putting effort in now I’m convinced. Even when it is shut she still can’t be arsed to lock the one lock that might stand a chance as retarding a burglar progress whilst breaking in by more than 5 seconds.
I’ve half a mind to break into her flat in the middle of the night and savagely beat to within an inch of her life then steal all her belongings to ensure she understands that locked doors are on the whole a good thing.
Not only are there no busses (apart from the 83, more on that in a bit) this morning due to some strike or other, I have to witness the curious act of the council fixing brackets and hanging baskets of flowers from my local street lights… Now call me seasonally naïve but isn’t spring or summer not better the time to do this. Surely this catastrophic waste of money will result in pots of dead flowers in a few weeks and a sense that the whole place is a festering craphole (silence Andy) so bad that that they can’t be bothered to take away the springs now long dead flower baskets. That and they were not even very nice ones, too much green not enough flower.
If this was not enough, I also had to deal with Crazy Woman, “There are no busses today” “you might get the 83, they are running that for the kids” “There are no busses at all, apart from the 83”, “I don’t know your waiting here, there are no busses, look read the sign, other than the 83 maybe” and on and on. I KNOW THERE ARE NO BUSSES YOU HIDIOUS FACED DRUNKEN HAG, I CAN READ, THE ONLY REASON I HAVE BEEN HERE SO LONG IS YOU HAVE BEEN TALKING AT ME FOR 5 MINUTES ABOUT THE BLOODY 83 BUS. Is not what I said, I kindly thanked her for the reassuring words about the 83 and walked off slightly annoyed that I had decided not to cycle today after all (as an aside she was also factually incorrect, the E11 was also running, for the kids apparently, stupid witch).
