Sometimes its good to treat oneself to a nice contractor lunch and idly wonder what it’s like to be rich enough to afford special yellow shop food every day. Whilst idly wondering such thing, with hot food in hand, in the queue waiting to hand over half the GDP of Djibouti for the can of fancy Italian beverage and a couple of slices of pizza what I don’t want to see is some stupid bint at the till trying to pay for a dozen different meals in complicated set of combined transactions.
“Right, I’ll pay for this, a pizza and this drink with this tenner.”
“Ok now how about we go for these two pastas and this biscuit with this tenner.”
“Ok almost done, right well have 3 pastas and a punch in the face from an irate shopper with this tenner.”
“trust me love, the punch is free. If you’re lucky there might be a secial 2 for 1 offer on too”
GET OUT OF THE WAY!
Just pay for it in one go then sort out your bloody change afterwards you purchase retardant. The rest of us don’t want to sit there waiting hours for you to buy a few things cause you are too dense to do a little post purchase maths.
Although that’s not as annoying as the person clogging up the other till mind.
“Hello can I pay for these”
“yes, that’s £4.95”
“here, take this plastic card thing and charge it directly to my bank account”
“Oh I’m terribly sorry there is a minimum purchase of £5 on plastic card things”
“WHAT, IT’S JUST 5P!!!!, OH JUST CHARGE ME FIVE POUNDS THEN, GOD”
I don’t care if it’s 1p, the sign clearly states the limit, just cause you can’t read is no reason to get all huffy with the poor swamped till person. If you don’t like it, fuck off to Tesco’s with the rest of the plebs and leave me to dream of richer times in the peace and tranquillity yellow shop’s prices warrant.
“HAVE ANY VIDEO’S” blared the clearly deranged man almost running into the charity shop I was perusing books in.
Bulgarian Shop assistant: “Yes over there”
SS Officer: “WHERE”
Bulgarian Shop assistant: “Over there”.
He finally spies them, withdraws a pair of specs that remind me of the kind worn by Major Arnold Ernst Toht, the SS officer from Raiders of the Lost Ark with the nasty hand burn. Wandering acorss, he yells back to the girl on the counter:
SS Officer: “ANY OTHER CHARITY SHOPS DOWN THIS WAY?”
Bulgarian Shop assistant: “Yes there are a few a bit further down the road, although I am not sure if they are open”
SS Officer: “WHICH SIDE?”
Bulgarian Shop assistant: “There are a few on each side”
SS Officer: “FAR?”
Bulgarian Shop assistant: “No not very”.
At this point I am wondering what the hell he’s after in such a fashion, maybe he’s heard tell of a first edition copy of Star Wars worth a fortune? Perhaps a rare montage of Queen’s speech outtakes where she’s gotten too pissed on port to continue?
Well it’s soon apparent that it’s not these things that he covets. As he barges some poor man, thumbing through the records, out of the way we learn the truth as he yells to no one in particular - “LOOKING FOR DEATHWISH 5”…
DEATHWISH…. 5…. what the Fucking Mc. Fuck? This is a film that rates a massive 3.6 in imdb, I’ve not seen it, but I’ve seen 1, maybe 2, who knows maybe even 3 when so hungover I was unable to jab at the remote forcefully enough to change the channel but FIVE? You’re kidding me. This must be one of the worst films ever transferred to video, why on earth would you a) be so desperate to get hold of it, but, b) refuse to use a real shop.
I’m actually enraged by his desperation, he could be at home watching something better, for free, and not out annoying me whilst I quietly shopped. Why, at the very time he was trying to source this rot, he could have been at home watching Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach…
He does not find Deathwish 5, he leaves disappointed.
What an interesting news day, a rage inducing news day. You might imagine that the downfall of the global markets might be a cause of spot anger. Not here, no today’s rage was induced by 73 people who apparently have just about enough brain power to use a phone.
42 people phoned Ofcom to whine about G. Ramsey killing, then eating the fresh heart of, a puffin. Whilst it might have been unpleasant to taste, quite why it was offensive I don’t know. That was quite anger inducing that 42 people are so bored and worried about puffin rights that they bother to waste their time and money in calling Ofcom (oh how I would love to man those phones for just one day and be allowed to respond as I felt fit to the people who bother to call in).
However not really, what’s worse it the other 31 people who make up this 73.
You see, 31 people moaned that the BBC News report showing footage of a Palestinian man ramming buses and cars with a bulldozer, killing three people and then the man being shot dead in the cab of the vehicle by an off-duty Israeli soldier. Now I might agree with these whiners that this is not really news and maybe best not shown on screen… but FOURTY BLOODY TWO people moaning about a puffin heart compared to only 31 about 4 people being violently killed on screen. What the heavens is wrong with people’s sense of perspective. It’s a bloody puffin for fucks sake, yes they are kind of cute but they are everywhere in Iceland and one or two are not going to be missed, for the love of Thor get a grip. Next you’ll be claiming that dog stew is cruel or something.
Wankers.
What the blazes, another flaming internet dohickery that seems to think that by lopping of an e towards the end that it’ll be a nice web 2.0 thingemie. Poppycock, it’s childish and should have stopped with flickr.
